Writing Diaries #38: Drafting Between the Lines

Why do I always forget that first drafts are a mess?

Welcome to Writing Diaries! This is a behind-the-scenes peek into my real-time writing process. These entries will be honest snippets capturing the ups, the downs, and everything in between. It’s less polished, more personal — like a creative journal I’m letting you read over my shoulder.

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Starting a new project always brings up some level of self-doubt. Yes, we are having this conversation again. You would think I’d be used to it by now. Maybe I should be.

I’ve done this before after all. I’ve written a book. I know how this goes.

And yet, here we are! The whole staring process still manages to take me back a step every time.

I think part of it, lately anyway, is that I’ve been trying to do a lot all at once to make this dream of mine work. I’m wearing all the hats and they are feeling a little lopsided and heavy.

I’m writing. I’m marketing. I’m waiting (ok, maybe not so patiently) on different pieces of news so that I can move forward or course correct. I’m trying to be someone who can post more online all in an attempt to try to find my readers in a way that actually works and is sustainable.

If I’m being honest, it hasn’t felt the most productive. At least not in a way I can clearly measure yet. Something, which, I find completely frustrating. It makes everything feel a little uncertain.

I also know the answer isn’t to stop (even if I’d like to and still sometimes consider it) right when things are both easy and hard depending on how I look at them and compare them to where I was last year while writing or even months ago. The answer, I guess, if that is the case is just to keep going anyway.

Ugh. Right?

But this past week and the other day as I sat on one of my lunch breaks, I tried to put that into practice. I opened my document, fully intending to write… and then just sat there staring at the page for a while.

It’s a humbling experience.

It wasn’t even in a dramatic way. I’ve just been stuck and overthinking where to start or what to write of my characters I’m still getting to know and wondering if this story has legs.

I feel like I should already have more figured out than I do during this draft already.

Instead, I told myself just a little bit. Just some conversation. A scene.

I started typing.

It definitely wasn’t anything amazing. Not close. Nor is it anything I’m particularly attached to even if I wish I was, going in thinking that this is going to me the latest masterpiece, but it was words.

And eventually, it did start to work. At least a little.

I’ve been thinking about that balance a lot lately when it comes to writing and getting into a draft which I find so tricky especially when it’s time to commit to a story and tell yourself that this does have legs and you need to finish what you started.

It’s the difference between stepping away when you need to, and pushing through when you don’t feel ready. Both matter. Sometimes you need space so the story can come back to you. And sometimes you need to sit there and write anyway, even if the words feel off, or clunky, or like they’re not quite landing.

Especially then, honestly since I know from experience that a lot of what I write in those moments will probably change later.

That’s just part of it.

I’ve rewritten entire scenes before. Cut things I thought I loved. Changed directions completely (which I think is where I am at right now). So I’m trying not to put too much pressure on these early words to be right. (Trying and failing.)

They just need to exist.

And now, slowly, this new draft is starting to take shape. Which is neat. And good. And scary. Per usual. The word count is growing. The characters are becoming a little clearer. There are moments where something actually clicks, however messy it clicks. And right now that’s the update I have. It’s something.

Also, this draft is already exposing all of my bad writing habits in real time.

I talked more about that below if you want the honest in-depth version.